The 80's had many forgettable trends and a few are easily noticed in the picture above. Colored tank tops, posing in a ridiculous manner for a photo opp, 80's Hair Metal (from the posters on the wall) and pink and black swim wear....wait, aren't those things still in style or coming back?
I think I actually started the trend "Who needs sheets, blankets or pillows!"...I'm pretty sure I did, and yes, all I had was a pillow, took to much effort to make a bed!
One of the unbeatable influences of the 80's was the music! It was AWESOME!!! I chose the title of this post to reflect one of my all-time favorites from that era, "In Your Eyes," by Peter Gabriel. So, now that we have all of the introductions and formalities out of the way (I will try to stop bragging about the 80's from here on out, but I can't guarantee that will actually happen), let's jump to the idea of this post.
That person in the photo is a stranger to me. No, it's not because I have aged...nor is it because my body shape has shifted...it's because that person no longer exists. There are certain aspects and characteristics of that person that are still "Alive and Kicking" (Simple Minds), but who that person was, is a vast memory. There are times, when I look back at this picture or some of the others posted here, and I wonder to myself, "what was I thinking at that exact moment?" The heart that was inside that kid is dead. Buried back in August of 1990, when I met Christ and a new creation began.
Oh, it took a while for that person to die off and in many ways, a few things are still on life support, but in reality...they are gone...only hanging on because I want them to, but completely lifeless.
What strikes me the most, every time I see this picture, is the eyes! Not because of how beautiful they were (haha!), rather, it's the worldview those eyes saw. It's the view that crushed the heart and spirit of anything truly worthwhile, replaced with anything that sufficed for the moment. I didn't have future plans or lofty aspirations...those eyes saw reality (as I knew it) and what was the purpose of setting one's self up for failure. It was the slogan, the motto that followed that kid around. No matter how much you worked on your self esteem or your outlook on life, there was always someone, at home, who would dash those to the ground and everything would come crashing down, every time.
I can still feel the fear in my heart (I really just had a wash come over my body, just now), every time the headlights of my fathers car would pull down the drive way. I would run into my room, lay down in bed and hopefully look like I was sleeping when my dad came in. I was a horrible actor or else my dad really didn't care that I might have been asleep. He would flip the lights on, tell me to get up and I could smell the eggs,bacon, hash browns and burnt raisin toast in the hallway. My dad would wake me up about once a week, after a few hours at the bar and a stop at Waffle House, somewhere around 2-3 in the morning. He really thought the bribery of food was worth the ticket price for the berating I received every single time.
There is an old Steven Wright joke that goes, "My friend and I traveled cross country and all we had was one cassette tape.....I can't remember what it was!" Haha, because it became background noise after the fourth or fifth time listening to it. After that, you just block it and I stop listening, because it's the same thing, over and over and over and.....
It was always the same thing...how I was lazy, worthless, a horrible son, wouldn't amount to anything, blah, blah, blah! I did, however really want a pair of Blue Blocker sun glasses because the infomercial made them look enticing. I knew the other infomercial about buying and selling fake real estate wouldn't make me a millionaire...Oh, and the other one...where the guy said he would send you information on how to sell products in magazines and newspapers and you could become instantly wealthy and have yachts and girls in bikini's on yachts and private islands where you could park your yachts that had girls in bikini's on them....um, yeah...was I talking about my dad?
Eventually, he would fall asleep (pass out) on the couch...actually, I knew he was out cold when he would roll off of the couch and into the floor without waking up. Then, I was free to walk back in my room and get a few hours of sleep before school the next day. Some weeks it was worse, maybe 1-2 more additional berating moments...and on other occasions, it might be a week or two...but ultimately, like clockwork...it happened.
So, I look into those eyes and I can vaguely see what that kid saw...nothing! It was all pointless. As I even stare at this picture, that look is an identical gaze that my father would give..weird! Those eyes didn't know happiness, unless it was a created moment that lasted until that moment was over. Those eyes didn't know friendship because I kept everyone at a manageable distance...very distant. I only let people see what I wanted them to see. They knew "the me" I was at school. But they never got the real "me." I shied away from most interactions that were deeper than first name basis and an occasional hang out moment after school. I had 1-2 close friends, but they even stayed on a rotation.
I was angry at the world, angry at society, angry at peer groups, angry about school and angry at God, if there was one. I look at these picture and wonder, who was this guy because if you know me, I mean really know me, I am nothing like any of this! Completely different!
The eyes have been said to be the window to the heart...well, depending on how you look at it (no pun intended) it can be seen (stop it!) like this...
1. I must have left my window wide open then, through all of the seasons of life and let everything in! I didn't have a filter at all. My window was screen-less (and to a certain extent, I still don't have a filter, but what I have learned and am still learning is self control). But, my eyes were the greatest deceiver in those days. If it looked good, if it looked fun...do it! That was the dumbest principle to live by, I know...but, if we are honest with ourselves...where does any temptation start? Usually with the eyes.
2. I left my window so closed up, through all seasons of life, my glass panes became cloudy with condensation because I was trying to create my own environments. Blasting the cool air when it was hot outside or turning up the heat when it was freezing cold. I was in control of my own surroundings and the only person I ever thought about was me. It wasn't that I purposely ignored people or made people mad around me, I just didn't care, as long I was ok. Again, not the greatest principle to live by.
We can all relate to one of those 2 principles, at some point in our lives. We become completely insulted, protecting ourselves from any environment, guarding our own heart. Or, we just take it all in, don't give much thought to consequence and just embrace it all.
But, THE biggest thing I see when I look in to those eyes is exhaustion. I have always had dark circles around my eyes, partly because I guess I inherited that from my dad...but also, I can't fall asleep! I have had a problem with that for years...but this is more than physical exhaustion. It's a deeper gaze, from the soul. Relationships were tiresome, friendships were bothersome, school was worrisome, trying to be someone I wasn't around so many different people...school, friends, family, athletic teams, etc...Putting on a front can be tired. Have you ever been mentally and emotionally exhausted? What is it for you that just crushes your soul? I mean, honesty...answer it for yourself, nobody is listening..be transparent with yourself.
The night I met Christ, I was convinced beyond a shadow of doubt, that He was real. As much as I tried to use all of my defense mechanisms to fight this belief that was moving in to my heart, it became pointless. I will not go in to the whole experience but I will summarize it this way...no one knew I was tired. I didn't let that show. If there was a party, I wanted to be there! If someone wanted to hang out, I was there! If no one was available, I made my own excitement! I was on the go, physically...but emotionally and mentally, I was dying. Spiritually, well...there was no spirituality to me. I was an atheist...I didn't believe in anything.
The first time in my life that I had ever went to church and actually listened, Matthew 11:28-30 was the verse used for the lesson that night. I don't remember anything about the sermon and that was secondary. The verse speaks of rest...a rest that only Christ can give. A rest from carrying around this heavy load and back breaking burden. His ways are easy and His burden is light. LIGHT, seriously? The more I read about this Jesus dude, the more I realized His life was the complete opposite of light. His burden was tremendous! But yet, here He was, telling me..."I got this!"
There is no way that this situation was coincidence. I wanted to believe it was, but there were just too many factors that led me to be there that night...and the original intent wasn't Jesus. Actually, He wasn't even part of the reason for going at all. To be honest, up until that point, I don't think I had ever had a thought about Jesus. I don't mean the "he came in to my head and I didn't know what to think so I didn't" idea...I'm talking about, up until that point, never once had I even had a thought of Jesus, for anything.
And what I have learned over and over again, as I have walked this life with Christ, is that when we become completely honest with ourselves...admitting who we truly are and what we are made up of, that is exactly where God meets us. Not in the facade or the front we are putting up. If you don't believe, then admit it, "I don't believe!" When you come to the end of yourself, that's when the life with Christ begins!
The reason I don't recognize the guy in those pictures any more is because he ended! And Christ brought rest, peace, grace, His passions, His view, and His heart in to that old person and it brought about complete change and regeneration.
Now that I have totally embarrassed myself with the pictures and some stories, it is always my prayer that these posts are helpful, insightful, convicting and yet entertaining as well.
If you were or have been affected in any way by any of these posts, please feel free to share with me by commenting here or shooting me an email at jay_gulbin@aol.com.
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